Balancing Act

Did you ever wonder why they don't make stools with one leg? The obvious answer is that if they did, you would be constantly off balance, never feeling comfortable and eventually you'd fall down. Well, that's the way I've been feeling for the past 5 weeks, like a one legged stool. I didn't realize it until I came home that Susan and Matthew are my other legs. I know that sounds corny or even dramatic, but it's the truth.

It's Sunday today in the US and our hectic packing schedule will begin tomorrow. By Friday the 30th, all our furniture will be in storage, our house will be vacated and we will be in the final transition stage of our relocation to China. Holy Crap. This is for real.

We went to Dinah and John's house yesterday and saw Andrew, Viola, Violet and all the kids. As usual, we had a great time laughing, eating and talking. When it was time to go, we all hugged and kissed and suddenly we realized that this will be the last time we will probably see each other for the next three years. We couldn't seem to leave. We said good bye to Dinah and John at least three times and I'm thinking to myself, I am going to feel like this with everyone we see in the next two weeks. Wow, okay, enough drama, now on to the slap stick.

NO PROBLEM
I've come to hate the phrase "No Problem" because inevitably, when I hear it, I know that it is going to be trouble. I was asked to go to Southern China last Friday, to an area called Shenzhen. Expats call the area the "wild wild South" get the picture? Let me tell you how my trip went:

Thursday, June 16th
Lars: "Tony, can you go with Walter (a Braun quality manger), to Shenzhen this weekend?"
Me: "Okay. Where will I be staying, who will I be visiting and where are the plane tickets?"
Lars: "Oh, the secretary will arrange everything. NO PROBLEM."
Me: "Okay."

Friday, June 17th
4:00 pm (I still haven't gotten anything from the secretary)
Lars (urgency in his voice): "I think you better go to the airport."
Me: "When should I leave?"
Lars: "Ah.....right now"
Me: "Where are my tickets and where will I be staying?"
Lars: "You have e-tickets at the airport and here is your itinerary at the vendors
Me: "Is there time to make the flight?"
Lars: "NO PROBLEM"

At the airport one hour before the flight
Me: "I have an e-ticket waiting"
Ticket agent: Hands me the ticket.
Me: (thinking to myself), Boy that was easy. I happily walk over to security with my Braun friend and hand the e-ticket to the guard and she says...
Guard: "Where you ticket?"
Me: (Panic in my voice)"What do you mean? My ticket is in you hand"
Guard: "No. You need ticket."

At this point, gentle reader, let me clarify something to you. E-ticket in China is not the same as any where else in the modern world. For all it's changes, China is still a paper society. Their idea of an e-ticket is to wait on line to get a piece of paper that is stamped with an official seal and then you bring this paper to another line and wait to get a boarding pass, doubling the time it takes to actually board a plane. Sounds stupid? It is.

Now I'm running back to the e-ticket counter with Walter trailing behind. I cut in front of a line of people waiting to get the e-tickets, which is totally accepable in China, and ask the agent where I can get my boarding pass. He vaguely points over to the left and we are off again. All I had to do was find the China Southern counter, get my boarding pass, go through security and run to my gate in the next 45 minutes- NO PROBLEM, right?

Sound easy enough except we couldn't find the China Southern counter. I don't think GOD himself could have found the place. We found 10,000 China Eastern, 2500, Dragon Airs and 10 Southern China Airlines (which we hoped was a grammatical mistake, but it wasn't), but no BLOODY CHINA SOUTHERN COUNTER! Finally, as if almost divinely directed, from the corner of my eye I see something... wait...behind the huge standing billboard, yes I think I see a 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper with the words China Southern Airlines scrolled on it.

I bolt for the counter. My bag is hitting me on the ass like a Jockey whipping his horse on the home stretch. I come to a sliding halt at the counter. I still have 30 minutes. NO PROBLEM. I hand the guy my e-ticket and he says one word, "PROBLEM". Apparently, the ticket machine had broken down. A this point, I spewed a series of curse words, making some up as I went along because I used all the ones that I knew. He manages to fix the machine and hands me my boarding pass - 25 minutes left. I sprint for the the security gate doing my best OJ Simpson imitation, (the jumping over the luggage part, not the killing part). I get through security - 15 minutes left. Of course, my gate is at the end of the terminal. I start running on those moving side walks doing about 60 mph- 10 minutes left. NO PROBLEM. I get to the gate, out of breath, sweat pouring down my face, hand the agent my boarding pass and she says "The flight is delayed for one hour." And I said, "NO PROBLEM."

Fast boat to Hong Kong
The rest of the trip was uneventful. Our Sunday meeting was cancelled, so Walter and I decided to take the Hydrofoil into Hong Kong. When we get to the port, we are told that we just missed the boat and the next one was in three hours. Okay, we will just go back to the hotel, have some lunch and come back later.

In Shanghai, the taxis are well organized and fairly inexpensive. Your driver takes you to your destination and you pay him the amount on the meter. This is not unique to Shanghai, in fact it is done the same way everywhere in the world except Shenzhen. I walk up to the first taxi in line, show him the address of the hotel in Chinese and get in his cab. The first thing I realize is that he is not getting in the car. He sticks his head in the back window and says:

Driver: "How much you pay?"
Me: "I don't know because you haven't driven me yet."
Driver: "No, how much?"

He types the number 450 rmb in his phone so I can see it. This is approximately $50 US. The hotel is 5 miles away, this guy is smoking crack!

Me: "No, no, no 100 rmb" (about $12 which is still alot but I just wanted to get out of there)
Driver: "150"
Me: "100"
Driver: "Okay, okay" and he walks away.

So I get out of his car. Another driver says ok 100 so I follow him to his cab. The first driver starts arguing with the second driver. A third driver comes over, okay 100 and begins pushing me to his car. It was a frenzy. The drivers were all screaming at each other. I get in the cab and the driver starts to pull away and the first driver blocks the cab with his car. At this point all hell breaks loose. They were chasing each other, screaming and throwing things like a Chinese version of the Keystone cops . Walter and I get out of the cab and decide that it was safer to wait the three hours in the port.

We had a great time in Hong Kong. The day was beautiful and we had a nice lunch at the Intercontinental Hotel. While I was eating, I had a stoke of genius. I called the hotel in Shenzen and arranged for the shuttle to pick us up at the port for the return trip. This worked out perfectly and it only cost us 120 rmb. I wished I thought of that earlier. Oh well, you live and learn.

I am truly happy to be home. I have to go to Duracell on Monday morning for a meeting and to return some things and then the packing fun begins..... more to come.